Below, I have polished a personal response from in-class.
Prompt: …the interplay between satisfaction and regret in an individual’s life.
Shattering Remorse
Individuals, reluctant to accept the regret in their lives, seek to convince themselves through false beliefs that their past actions were, indeed, not that bad. As the individual begins to search within themselves and reflect on their actions, they realize the underlying regret that has been causing them so much pain. This leads to a pursuit of self-satisfaction in which an individual, motivated by remorse in their life, strives to relinquish this regret by gaining a sense of satisfaction. The interplay between satisfaction and regret is seen in my life as I strived to overcome the regret felt by my actions towards my grandpa by trying to gain satisfaction in my life after he had passed away. This is also seen through the speaker developed by Meghan O’Rourke in her poem, “Poem of Regret for an Old Friend”, as she illustrates how an individual, initially resisting the feelings of regret in their life by creating false truths for themselves, experiences a realization that allows them to acknowledge the overwhelming regret they are feeling; this regret ultimately acts as a motivating factor behind the individual’s actions, leading to them striving to gain satisfaction in their life to combat the remorse they feel.
When individuals are reluctant to acknowledge the regret they feel due to their actions, they try to convince themselves, through false beliefs, that their past actions were not as bad as they seem. The speaker, presumably affected by chosen isolation, selfishness, and the lack of love they experienced in their life, strives to trick themselves into an illusion, one in which they believe their actions weren’t as bad as they seemed. A little voice echoes in the speaker’s head, “What you did wasn’t so bad,” as the speaker seeks to hide the truth, the one full of regret, the one that “[that] was a failure.” The speaker endeavours to create a facade for themselves to prevent themselves from having to face and acknowledge the feelings of regret that are becoming overwhelming; but, they still cannot prevent themselves from the ultimate realization, the epiphany, the awakening that eventually forces them to acknowledge the regret that is associated with their past actions. Their harsh reality hits them, gravitates towards them as if the speaker was the “sun” and the regret – a planet in an inescapable orbit. The poem is ironic, written as if it is for an old friend as the title suggests, but in actuality, it is for the speaker themself. The repetitive use of “you” emphasizes the speaker’s realization of the consequences of his actions and, more specifically, the regret that comes with them as seen through “No, you’re right, it was terrible./Terrible to live without love.” This is a pivotal moment in the shift from unrecognized regret to realized remorse, and the use of “you” adds weight to the realizations and assertions made by the speaker. The speaker realizes that he has been living under an umbrella of lies, telling himself that “what [he] did wasn’t so bad”, hiding his regret under “a small handkerchief/of darkness.” His regret then became the motivating factor behind his actions, leading him on a pursuit of satisfaction in order to counteract the remorse he felt. To gain this satisfaction, he had to find “a more useful way to live”, outside of the dreams he had encapsulated himself within. He had to open the “secret gardens” in England, the ones “that never open”; he had to share the music of his head, the same music that cannot be shared; he had to find love in “[a] small [room] with vinyl blinds”, allowing the “pulped lemon” of the sun to seep through the windows. He had to shift his life in order to gain the ultimate satisfaction, one in which the “small handkerchief of darkness [settled] over [his] face”, to be able to combat the feelings of regret in his life. I, too, have been reluctant to accept the feelings of remorse in my life, only to be met with the realization of the overwhelming regret I was feeling, allowing me to work towards satisfaction.
My grandpa (whom I addressed with Baba) was a highly influential figure in my life, striving to guide me through tough times, such as my grade 11 school year in which I had to decide my career path. I was confused and felt pressured by every conversation that, sooner or later, ended with constant inquiries about my future: “So, what will you be doing after high school?” Baba sat down with me, trying to ease the tension I was feeling and helping to decide what I should do in the future. But, I didn’t appreciate the help at the time as all the pressure and expectations and standards forced me to erupt, forced me to insult the man who had been responsible for my past successes. I went to my room, and throughout the next two weeks, I didn’t come out much, avoiding any small talk Baba would make. He approached me, but I sent him away, telling him that I didn’t want to talk. We didn’t talk for two weeks, and at the end of those two long weeks, the ones that I never want to think about again, Baba passed away. I was extremely sorrowful; I had just lost one of the most important people in my life. My brain tried to comfort me, echoing “What you did wasn’t so bad.” I resisted the feelings of regret, creating illusory facades to reside in. I strived to convince myself, convince myself that it wasn’t my actions, not my words that had killed him. But, that is only what I told myself. Looking through a photo album a few days later, I had an awakening, an epiphany, which forced me to realize that what I had done “was terrible.” It was my actions, my words, my behaviour towards him that caused his death; I blamed myself – I didn’t even get to talk to him before he passed away, and he left in a state of sorrow because of me. It was terrible – this lack of love, it was “terrible to live without [his] love”. I felt an urge to combat what I had done, to counteract my actions and gain the satisfaction that would quench my thirst. I sat down, researching my future, and eventually found an answer to all those times I had been asked that dreadful question: I would be a businessman and a software engineer. This action alone, this simple shift in my life, was motivated by the overwhelming guilt I was experiencing. The interplay between satisfaction and regret, in my case, was a positive one, allowing me to feel self-fulfillment as my regret motivated my search for satisfaction, consequently subordinating the remorse I had felt.
The interplay between satisfaction and regret is perfectly symbolized by a Rube Goldberg machine, a contraption based on a cause-and-effect relationship and chain reactions. Rube Goldberg machines complete tasks in intricate, often over-complicated ways using the domino theory, where one action will lead to another; for example, to fill a glass of water, a Rube Goldberg machine would take multiple steps, with each step a result of what occurred prior. This symbolic contraption represents the interplay between satisfaction and regret because the effect that regret and satisfaction have on one another is similar to a cause-and-effect relationship. The set up of the machine, a symbol for the refusal to accept the regret that one experiences in their life, is a tedious process; the over complicatedness showcases the false truths and the individual’s efforts to bury themselves under a mountain of illusion, convincing themselves that their actions were, indeed, not that bad. Initial steps in the Rube Goldberg machine symbolize the regret that one feels in their life, setting up the later stages for satisfaction. These steps consequently lead to the completion of the task, the successful filling of the glass with water, a symbol for the satisfaction one feels in their life. In essence, the entire process is the pursuit of satisfaction, filled with highs and lows, regret and self-fulfillment, counteracting one’s sense of remorse.
Works Cited
Feature Image: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/3166662213048413/
Sadness to Happiness Wood Blocks Image: https://www.pctonline.com/article/tracking-job-satisfaction/
Rube Goldberg Machine Image: https://time.com/5806556/cats-rube-goldberg/
